


When The Heart Calls You Home

by Headfirstforhalos123



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Romance, Sex, Violence, lots of other fun stuff, read it and you'll see, that I don't want to spoil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-22 09:37:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11964693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Headfirstforhalos123/pseuds/Headfirstforhalos123
Summary: When Carly Smith makes mistakes, she runs. That's all she's ever known. But you can't run from an angel. When Castiel finds her and brings her back to the Winchesters, how will she right her wrongs? And in the end, which choices will she regret?





	1. These Lonely Nights..

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first full length story since I was a child, so please go easy on me! If anyone has any advice or suggestions, they would be highly appreciated!
> 
> Thank you in advance for reading :)

It was that dream again. The same dream I'd had for months now. But every time I found myself wishing it was true. He was back, I felt safe. All felt right in the world. But then I would wake up on the streets again, cold and alone. Only to realise he was never coming back.

 

The night started as any other. I found a spot that looked the safest in the busy city, and curled up in a corner with my things. I'd been on the streets for months now but I still wasn't used to it. I couldn't escape the fear that I felt every night. I knew it was dangerous but I had nowhere else to go. I'd left my old house after all the trouble that happened last year, I couldn't afford to live on my own. So here I was. As I tried to settle down as best I could, my mind wouldn't calm down. I was always anxious, especially given my current situation. But tonight was different. I felt like someone was watching me, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't shake that feeling.

I woke up but didn't want to open my eyes yet. I'd probably only had a couple of hours sleep, but I'd take whatever I could get. I snuggled further down into my sleeping bag, trying to wake up a bit more. It was then that I realised I was much warmer than I should have been. It was mid-summer in the UK, I had gotten used to the cold at nights but even I couldn't block it out this much. I began to silently freak out. Had I been taken while I was sleeping? Where was I? This was definitely a bed in a warm room, not the cold hard concrete I had originally fallen asleep on. Maybe the dream was just too real this time. I hadn't woken up. That had to be the explanation behind all of this. I decided to try and open my eyes, carefully, just in case anyone was here with me. As I peered around the room I didn't recognise, I tried to contain my panic. This was definitely happening. I was awake. I had no idea where I was or why I was here. I was probably going to die. Just when I had convinced myself this was the last place I was going to see, I heard his voice.  
"It's okay Carly, you're safe here."

"Cas? I don't understand.. I.. I thought you were dead.. Where have you been?! It's been over a year!" I was so angry there weren't even words to cover it. I wanted to punch him, scream at him, tell him how much I'd needed him. But as I got out of the bed and walked towards him in a dark corner of the room, all I could do was hug him and cry. He wasn't dead. He was here, right now, with me. He still had so much to answer for, but I could wait.

\------------------------------------------------------

"Where on earth have you been?!" I half shouted at him, but I just couldn't be as angry with him right now as I'd felt over the last year.  
"I haven't been on earth. I've been in heaven. You've missed a lot." I'd missed his accidently snarky ways, I couldn't help but giggle.  
"What's changed Cas? Fill me in."  
"Well the war has ceased, for now any way. Mary is back, but that's a long story. Sam is out hunting with her. But Dean is..."  
Dean. God I missed him. I wish I could hate him, I'd even prayed to hate him funnily enough. But I just couldn't.  
"How is he?"  
"He's... surviving. Holed up in his apartment refusing to hunt and living off beer and pie mostly, but at least he's alive."  
"Wait.. what am I missing here?" I asked, I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to hear the answer or not.  
"When the war was at its peak.. I told them to stay out of it. They swore they would. But I owe my life to them. They appeared just when a gang of demons had me cornered. I would have died without their assistance. But Dean.. he got injured. Really badly. I couldn't heal him because I was too weak. It took him months to recuperate. He felt useless. But then when he was well enough to get back in the field, he just left. Took all his belongings, left the bunker. He didn't even contact Sam for months. I eventually found him but no one else knows where he is. He told me not to tell and I keep my word."  
"Wow.. that's not the Dean that I know. Why would he do that?"  
"I'm not sure. I'm still trying to get to the bottom of that one. Do you want to come back with me? I'm sure he'd want to see you." Cas looked like he knew something. I hope he doesn't.  
"I... I'm not sure that's the best idea." I nervously pulled at a thread on my jumper. The idea of going back there, of seeing him again, it both excited and terrified me all at once. "I have unfinished business here Cas. I'm not sure fleeing the country would help matters."  
"Ah, and how is Nathan?" This was one of the few times I wished that Cas would have some sort of subtlety. I sighed.  
"As good as you can be when your fiancé cheats on you then leaves in the middle of the night I suppose." I snapped back. He looked like he pitied me. I'm not sure why. I was the guilty party here after all. "Truth be told, I haven't seen him since the night that I left. I'm worried sick about him but it's not my place to help him anymore."  
"Maybe you're exactly who he needs. Would you like to see him before we leave?" Cas asked.  
"Before we... I didn't agree to go anywhere with you! You can't just show up after over a year and drag me back into all that mess, that is not cool Cas. I left for a reason!"  
"You said you left because you needed to think. You've had more than enough time to do that." He wasn't wrong. I'd done nothing but think in the past year. About who I'd hurt. What I'd done wrong. Who I missed more than anything.. and I still had no answers. God damn my indecisiveness.  
"Alright alright, but only if you're sure I won't just get a door slammed in my face. I'm not travelling all that way for nothing. And I want to see Nathan before we go.."  
"If that is what you wish."  
This isn't going to be easy, but I have to see if he's okay. After all I'd done wrong in my life, every bad path I'd taken, every mistake I'd made, hurting him was my biggest regret. So it was only fair that I take some of that pain back.


	2. The Truth Will Set You Free..

We walked quietly down my old road. It was 3am and there was barely a sound. A warm summers night with no breeze, no bird song, not even any traffic. The silence was beginning to deafen me. I could only stay in my own head for so long before I talked myself out of this. I had to tell Cas my plans.  
"Cas.." I started cautiously, "I need you to do me favour. If.. if he's bad, if he's struggling still, I.. need him to forget."  
"I'm not sure I follow?" Cas said, looking confused.  
"I want you to make him forget.. me. Not just what I did. Everything about me. I want him to have a life again." It cut me up to even say it. We used to be so happy, but I ruined everything. It seemed cruel to take our happy memories from him but I tainted them, and I knew him. I'd spent 7 years with him. I knew he wouldn't move on.  
"You speak as if you feel his pain too. Would it help you also, if he forgets, or would it just double the weight upon your shoulders?" Sometimes I bordered on hating Cas just for how he could see right through me.  
"That's my burden to carry. Mine alone. I caused all of this." I sighed. We had stopped walking a few minutes ago, but I'd only just realised we were in front of my old house. It still looked the same. The garden was in bloom. The bed of roses we'd planted were thriving. The hanging baskets by the red door filled with fresh violas. He planted my favourite flowers again this year, even after everything. I put my head in my hands. I knew what had to be done, but that wouldn't make it any easier.  
"Are you sure you would like me to take his memories?" Castiel asked.  
"I don't want him to hurt any more than he already has.. Give me some time with him. I'll tell you when." My eyes were already filling up at the thought of wiping out 7 years of our life together. But for once, I would have to be selfless. I couldn't keep him as a back up plan, even though I knew deep down that he would always choose me, no matter what I did. He deserved so much more than that.  
Cas put his hand on my shoulder. He had the pity look again, I still wondered why when this was all my fault.  
"Are you ready to go in?" He asked. I took a deep breath, then gave him a small nod.

\------------------------------

*** 2 years earlier ***  
"I'll call you back later my love, you must need to sleep! I forget about the time difference I'm sorry!" I said.  
"It's fine! Don't worry about it, I just had to know you were safe. I'm glad the trip is going well though, say hi to the guys for me!" Nathan smiled, I missed his smile a lot. And his hugs. I just missed him at this point. I'd only been on this hunt for a month but it felt like I'd been away forever.  
"..I'll speak to you soon. I love you!"  
"I love you too, have fun!"  
I hung up and walked back into the bar, the guys were seated in a booth, laughing and practically throwing their drinks around. God I needed to catch up if I was going to enjoy their company tonight, being the only sober one is no fun. Why did Castiel have to bail on celebratory drinks?  
"Hey how was lover boy?" Dean slurred, grinning at me. Sam elbowed him.  
"He's fine, he says hi by the way, where's my drink gone?" I asked.  
"Finders keepersss!" Dean sang.  
"Oh for god's sake give me strength.. I'm going to get another. Or ten."  
I walked up to the bar, I could still hear the pair of them shouting and laughing from over here. I ordered a couple of drinks, necked one straight back and decided to sit with the other. At least I'd have a bit of peace and quiet over here.  
"Hey darlin' what's a pretty girl like you doing all by herself?" Oh bloody hell, I spoke too soon. I shot the guy a glare then looked back down at my drink, hoping the frosty atmosphere would give him the idea to leave me the hell alone.  
"Don't you know it's rude not to answer when you're being spoken to?" He continued, getting closer this time. Jeez this guy clearly hasn't heard of personal space. He grabbed my arm and that was enough for me.  
"Look pal.." I started, but as I turned to give him hell, all I saw was a fist connecting with his jaw and him hitting the ground like a sack of shit.  
"Didn't you get the message jackass? Stay the hell away from her!" Dean shouted. He looked stone cold sober, and angry. Very angry. The guy scrambled to his feet and left the bar faster than The Flash.  
"Dean what the hell?! I can handle myself, I don't need a bloody bodyguard! Do you want to be arrested?! Because you're going the right way about it!" He took a few deep breaths before his eyes met mine.  
"I.. I'm sorry I just, I saw red. I couldn't watch that slimebag touch you like that." He said, sitting down next to me a motioning to the bartender for another drink.  
"You need some anger management classes or some shit," I laughed. "But thank you. For caring, and always having my back."  
"I care more than you could ever know.." He muttered.  
I was tempted to ask him what he meant by that but I could still see his jaw clenched and his knuckles white from holding the glass a little too tightly so I decided to let it slip and give him chance to calm down. There's never a quiet night when you're out with the Winchesters, and this night was proving to be even more chaos than usual.

We all left the bar at god knows what time but at least it was still dark so it could have been worse. We walked back to the hotel after I had to argue with Dean about there not being a chance in hell of him driving. I'd lost count of how far over the limit he was, and after all the dangerous things I'd been up against in my life, I wasn't letting a drunk Dean Winchester kill me. It wasn't that far to walk anyway and I was hoping it would sober us up somewhat. We needed clear heads since we were still here on a job.  
"Hey Dean, you haven't had a woman in forever now, what's wrong man, lost the charm?" Sam joked.  
"Knock it off Sammy, I haven't lost anything. I'm just taking some time out." Dean replied, he was being really standoffish but I'm not sure if that was because he was still angry from earlier on or what.  
"Ohhhh finally found a special girl have you? No way, my big bro is actually capable of loving a woman instead of just bailing on them, who'd have thought it!" Sam laughed.  
"Please don't make me punch you Sammy, because I will and you know it."  
"Alright guys calm it down, you've had your fun Sam," I said, hoping to stop this from escalating to a full blown fight. We didn't kicking out of yet another hotel for noise complaints. "I think it's time we got some sleep and sobered up for tomorrow don't you? We've got a long day ahead."  
"Yeah you're right. I'll see you guys in the morning then. Night!" and with that Sam let himself into the lobby with his keycard and wandered off down the corridor.  
"So I guess we're sharing this time then? Someone could have warned me, I wouldn't have let you drink so much if I'd known!"  
"What's that meant to mean?" Dean asked as we made our way to the room.  
"Just that you're a nightmare to share with when you've been drinking. You snore even worse than usual and spend all morning complaining about how terrible you feel when I have zero sympathy for you." I joked.  
"Wow harsh words madam! Anyway I don't snore! And I'm surprisingly sober for once, I think that douchebag earlier on killed my buzz." I saw Dean clench his fist a couple of times out the corner of my eye. He looked like he was replaying it in his head. Why was it bothering him so much? It's not like he'd never been in a fight before.  
"What's got you so rattled? You don't usually get so wound up by bar fights." I asked as I opened the door to our room. I switched the lights on and saw Dean opening a beer and sitting down on the sofa. He had a look on his face that I couldn't quite read. Stern yet soft, nervous maybe, angry definitely. I sat down with him.  
"Look I... I don't know where to start with this, I'm not used to this shit at all," he sighed, pausing to take a drink and collect his thoughts. I didn't have a clue where this was going. Dean was hardly the type for heart to hearts, and I was terrible at giving advice so hopefully he just wanted someone to listen.  
"I couldn't control myself earlier. I saw red. That's never happened before. Obviously I've had many fights with many assholes but nothing like that. My blood boiled at seeing his filthy hands on you. But it's made me realise something that I'm terrified about, and I don't know what to do. I think I've known for a while, but I've been denying it." He put his head in his hands for a moment, and my brain started piecing everything together. I really hope he wasn't trying to say what I think he was. He got up and started pacing the room.  
"I... Oh god I'm an idiot. What the hell am I doing, I've said too much. Ignore me. I'm going to get some sleep."  
"Dean?" I grabbed his arm. "Please. Sit down. Talk to me. I can't help if I don't know what's going on."  
"You can't help anyway, no one can." He replied as he pulled away from my grasp and kept pacing.  
"Why? Of course no one can if you won't open up!"  
"Because I'm in love with you!" He shouted. "There. I've said it. Are you happy now? How do you plan on helping me with that one?"  
There was a horrible silence in the room for a while. Just Dean's footsteps back and forth across the wooden floor and him occasionally muttering to himself about how stupid he was and how he'd fucked everything up. I was completely gob smacked. I mean, we were close of course, we spent a lot of time together. But love? I honestly didn't think Dean was capable of it. I thought he'd switched that part of himself off a long time ago.  
"Dean, will you sit down please?" I almost whispered. The silence was killing me and his pacing was giving me a headache. "We need to talk this through."  
"What is there to talk about? I'm an idiot, you're taken, end of story." He said as he finally sat down again, refusing to make eye contact with me.  
"I.. I don't know. But we can't just pretend you didn't say that. How long have you been keeping it to yourself?"  
"A while. Sammy noticed a change in me and he's been winding me up the whole time but I don't think even he's managed to work out that it's you. It's always been you. It took me a long time to see it myself. I'm pretty sure Cas knew before I did though. I've spoken to him about it once or twice. He didn't really know what to say but I just had to speak to someone to stop myself going crazy... I'm sorry. For all of this. I shouldn't have said anything." I noticed him wipe his eyes before turning his head away from me. God this is really hurting him, this is real isn't it? What on earth do I do?  
"I don't know what to say.. You know how much I care about you, right? You mean a lot to me. I... I love spending time with you. You make me feel free, you brighten even the shittiest of days, just with little things like your really bad singing in the car," I heard him chuckle slightly, I was rambling but at least it seemed to be helping. "I'm not really sure where I'm going with this to be honest. I don't know what I feel right now. I think I need some time to process things. But thank you for telling me. I know that mustn't have been easy."  
"You're always so kind. How do you do this? Why aren't you just calling me an asshole or a homewrecker and getting on the first plane back home? You're not mine to love, this isn't right."  
"I'm not anyone's property, Dean. Yes, I have a partner, but he doesn't own me. I'm free to make my own decisions about my life, this is just something else I have to work out," I sighed. Shit has gotten real complicated in one evening. Dean was staring at the floor as if it held all the answers we were looking for. "... Why won't you look at me?" I asked.  
"Because I don't trust myself."  
"What do you mean?" The silence returned, I couldn't stand it any longer. I put my hand on his cheek and turned his face towards mine. "Dean, please we need to.." and that was when his lips met mine. Cutting off my words, and my thoughts. It was as if everything stopped in that moment. He was so gentle, so caring. He meant every word he'd said, I could feel it. He was showing me what he couldn't say. Before I knew what was happening his hands were on my waist and my fingers were running through his hair. But this wasn't lust. He wasn't just trying to get me into bed, I'd seen what he was like with other women and this was completely different. A whole new side to him that I'd never seen until now. He kissed me as if it was the last thing he was ever going to do, and I kissed him back with the same intensity.. What was I doing? I pulled away suddenly, putting distance between us on the sofa.  
"I'm sorry, oh god, I fucked up I'm sorry." He said frantically.  
"No. Don't say sorry. It's not your fault. I'm just as much to blame here.. I'll work this out, okay? And then we'll decide what to do from there. But I'm going to need time. And we need to sleep." The sun was starting to rise, I could see faint light from behind the curtains.  
"Okay.. I'll have the sofa then." He said. What an awkward night to only have one bed in the room. Usually we got family rooms. Life was totally screwing me over today.  
"No don't be silly, you'll wreck your back on this thing. Look, we've shared before, we can share again. Just.. don't try anything okay?" It seemed like neither of us had restraint, and to be quite honest I was terrified I wouldn't turn him down again.  
"Of course, of course. Are you sure about sharing? I don't want to make things any more awkward." He'd stopped making eye contact again, looking anywhere in the room that wasn't near me.  
"I'm sure Dean, we're both adults, we've just had too much to drink and an evening full of surprises. We need to sleep this off, tomorrow's a new day." I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince anymore. How can one night turn your entire life upside down so easily?  
I switched the lights off and stripped down to my pants and tshirt before getting into my side of the bed. The dim light coming in from outside was just enough for me to see Dean take off his jacket, followed by his shirt and jeans. It was in that moment I realised I was looking at him differently. I'd seen him in his pants countless times and never thought anything of it, but now.. something had changed in me. I felt myself heat up before he'd even got into the bed, and it was taking all my strength not to just say 'screw it' to my sensible side. The bed dipped down and I shivered as he pulled the covers back to get in. I lay there for a while, the silence in the room more comfortable now everything was out in the open. I decided to have a little bit of courage and faith in myself as I rolled over and looked at him. He was lying on his back with his hands behind his head, still wide awake and staring into the distance. I had no more words left, we'd said enough for tonight, so I just curled up into his chest, draped my arm across him and put my leg over his. I felt his breath hitch for a moment, then he slowly, carefully put his arm round me and his hand on my waist.  
"Night Dean," I mumbled, already half asleep in his warmth.  
"Goodnight Carly... I love you." I heard him whisper just as I blacked out.  
What the hell had I gotten myself into...


	3. I Think We Were Cursed From The Start..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: (terribly written) smut incoming. It's the first time I've ever written anything like this so I apologise profusely if it's awful! There's a fair bit of drama kicking off now though so hopefully you all enjoy this chapter anyway! As always, any comments or suggestions are much appreciated <3

The next day I woke up in a tangle of limbs with Dean, we were both on our sides facing each other, I was wrapped up in his arms with my head under his chin. I felt content, quite at home here.. no this is wrong god damn I need to sort myself out. I tried to loosen myself from his grip without waking him but that didn't go too well.  
"Ugh god what time is it, I feel like shit"  
"See what did I say, you do nothing but complain the morning after drinking!"  
"Yeah yeah whatever, you know me too well." He rolled onto his back, laughing. Then everything seemed to hit him all at once. "Oh god.. last night.. did that.. did we? I'm such an idiot I'm sorry"  
"How many times do I have to tell you to stop apologising? We're in this together now. We'll sort it out. But stop blaming yourself, please." I watched his face soften as he gave me a half smile.  
"I don't know what I was thinking, you're far too good for me anyway. Always too nice no matter how badly I fuck up." He said.  
"Yeah you're forgetting I'm the one who's fucked up more here.." I really needed to speak to Nathan. If I just quit this messing about now then we could probably sort it out, last night was a mistake. I had a life back home, a good one. I couldn't mess that up. I decided I needed to distance myself from Dean as much as possible.

Sam may have been revelling in picking on Dean recently but even he could tell to lay off today. The atmosphere at breakfast was frosty as hell, it seemed no one wanted to speak first so we spent it mostly in silence except for the odd comment about nice food and Cas questioning us about the hunt since he doesn't seem to be able to notice a dodgy social situation even if it hits him in the face. But Sam grabbed me at the first available opportunity and I knew this wasn't going to go well.  
"What's going on with you two? Is this about that fight last night? Because I know he went a bit far but you don't need to hate him for it, he's just a bit over protective sometimes!" Sam rambled on with himself, I didn't know whether to correct him or just go with it.  
"Look Sam it's fine we've just got some things we need to sort out, don't worry it's under control."  
"What things? Did you bang and now it's awkward or something? Because that's fine too we're all adults here!"  
"Oh my god Sam please stop talking, no we did not 'bang'" I shook my head, my face flushed with the embarrassment, between them I swear these brothers were going to be the end of me.  
"Then what? I don't understand, everything seemed fine last night?" Suddenly his face changed, oh no I think the penny has dropped. "Wait a minute.. it's you isn't it? Of course, it all makes sense now! Well damn, congratulations on doing the unthinkable and making my brother actually feel something. He hasn't done that in a long, long time. He means it too, you know?" Sam studied my face, clearly trying to work out my reaction or more details as to what was going on between us now.  
"I know he does.. it's complicated. This was never going to be simple though was it? I don't know what to do Sam.. I'm torn." For the first time I was taking in the gravity of this situation, I felt myself tearing up and then I couldn't stop it. Sam held me as I sobbed into his shirt, he told me it would all be fine, things would work out, and every other cliché in the book but I wasn't so sure. Someone was going to get hurt here, it was just a case of who.

\-----------------------------

A week later and the hunt was done, we'd been celebrating all night the only way we knew how, with a lot of alcohol. Things had gotten relatively alright again with Dean, I'd been sharing with Sam all week to keep a bit of distance but other than that we were laughing and joking as normal. My flight home wasn't for a few more days as I couldn't afford weekend travel, so we had decided to just spend some quality time together because god knows when I'd see them all again. This was just how it went though, it might not be for another year but we were all so close that as soon as we were reunited it was like we'd never been apart. They were all some of my best friends and I'd miss them a lot. I hope it wasn't a year before I was back again. We'd planned a hike up the mountains tomorrow, something a bit tourist-y that we barely got chance to do usually, so I was looking forward to that. We all decided to call it a night earlier than usual so we could get a good sleep in first. So to make up for that we'd necked a ton of shots and were definitely the most drunk people in the bar for this side of midnight.  
As we stumbled back to the hotel, I literally tripped over my own feet and nearly ended up in the gutter but Dean caught me at the last second. I couldn't stop giggling to myself and he was shaking his head at me. He kept his arm round my waist and mine was round his neck to help him carry me the rest of the way back.  
"My knight in shining armour," I slurred. "What would I do without you Dean?"  
"You'd probably be happier, and less drunk because you wouldn't be masking your problems with a bottle." He said bluntly. I stopped walking. Anger coursed through my veins and I suddenly felt sober as hell.  
"Wow. You really think that? You think I'd be happier without you? What the hell is wrong with you, did nothing I said sink in?" He looked shocked that I'd flipped in an instant. I guess I wasn't quite as sober as I felt, because sober me wouldn't come out with half of what I was about to say. "You mean the world to me you fucking idiot. When I said you make me feel free and you brighten my day, I meant it. But don't you EVER bring up my drinking. I do what I have to do to get by. You know what I've been through. You know all of my struggles and how much of a fucking mess I am deep down. I don't need reminding of that. I know I've fucked up. And I know I have to go home soon and ruin everything I left behind. I have a man back home that thinks he's marrying me this year, and I have to go and tell him that I can't because I love someone else. So when I'm ready to face shit, I'll stop drinking. Until then, ignorance is bliss." I walked ahead without even giving him a second to respond. Sam and Cas had been waiting for us further up the road. I'm not sure if they'd heard everything or not but frankly I couldn't care less right now. We walked in silence, I could sense everyone had something to say to me but no one wanted to be on the receiving end of me losing my shit again. It was only when we got to the hotel that Sam spoke.  
"I'm going to share with Cas tonight. You two need to talk. Not shout, talk. Sort it out. I don't want two of the people closest to me at each others throats constantly. I don't care how awkward it is, you're not avoiding this anymore. I'll see you in the morning." And with that he walked away. Cas gave me a half smile and a "goodnight" before following him. I groaned and made my way towards my room with Dean in tow a few steps behind me. I opened the door, kicked my shoes off, and started to apologise. May as well get it over with..  
"Dean I'm sorry I.." I didn't get much chance to expand on that thought because as soon as I turned to face him he had me pinned to the wall as he kissed me. Hands trailing down my sides, soft kisses full of passion and a million words he'd never say, and I decided to follow suit and let my actions do the talking for once. I put my arms round his neck and kissed him back with equal force, breathless moans leaving my mouth as his lips trailed down to my neck.  
"You said you loved me.." He said softly into my ear. "That's all I've ever wanted to hear from you."  
In that moment, I'd made my choice. We both understood that. There was no going back from this now. I tugged at his shirt and dragged it over his head. He unbuttoned mine as he continued to kiss my neck, making goosebumps all over my body. I pulled my jeans down and dragged them off, he got the message and did the same before pinning me back to the wall, holding both my arms above my head with one hand and running his free hand down my waist before resting it on my lower back to bring me even closer to him as he kissed me. Everything was heightened, every nerve ending on edge. I'd never felt this way before. The simple brush of his fingertips down my spine was so intense.  
He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me towards the bed, never once breaking our kisses. He lay me down gently and propped himself up over me, looking straight into my eyes as his hands wandered my body again like they were trying to learn every inch of me. My breath caught in my throat as he brushed my nipples with his fingertips, causing my eyes to flutter closed and a moan to escape my lips. He removed my bra with ease and suddenly his lips were on me again, kissing all over my chest as my fingers gripped his shoulders. He flicked his tongue over my nipple and I gripped tighter, moaning his name under my breath. His hands worked at getting my pants off, then once I was completely naked he leaned back and just looked at me. It was as if he was trying to memorise everything. I felt exposed and nervous, what if he hated how I looked now he'd finally got me here? I know I sure hated myself. It felt like a lifetime had passed before he finally whispered: "You're beautiful. So perfect. God, I love you."  
He came back to kiss me for a brief moment, whilst pulling his boxers down and kicking them off the bed. Breathless, our foreheads together as he stared into my eyes again, he asked "Do you want to do this? You can say no, I'll understand." With absolutely no hesitation I responded. "I want this. More than anything. Please, Dean.." He kept eye contact as he slowly pushed into me. I gasped and arched my back, getting used to the feeling. When he was all the way in, I could see him holding back, worrying. "Are you sure this is what you want, Carly? I don't want to mess things up. I want this to be perfect."  
"It already is perfect." I said, brushing my hand down his cheek softly.  
"Am I hurting you? Do you want me to move yet?"  
"No, I'm fine, please, Dean, I need this.." and with that he pulled back and thrust into me slowly at first, keeping our heads together, my hand still on his face, never breaking our gaze. His eyes were clouded with pleasure, and as he sped up his hips he let out a moan that made my spine tingle. I was the one making Dean Winchester feel that good. Me. He buried his face in my neck and wrapped his arms around my waist, his breath shallow as he held me close. My grip tightened on his shoulders as he found that spot inside me that felt heavenly and I couldn't help but cry out his name and a few profanities. I could feel it building up, the pressure, I was so close.  
"Dean, fuck, don't stop." I moaned.  
"I didn't plan on it," He said softly. He kept up the pace, hitting all the right places with every thrust, I was right on the edge but nerves were holding me back. As if he sensed that, his hips sped up even more as he whispered: "Let it go, Carly. I want to feel you." And that was all it took to make me lose it. I swear I saw stars as I came and he held me even closer as my body shook. I moaned his name like it was the only word that I knew. I felt him tremble against me and his thrusts lose their rhythm. He moaned against my neck. "Fuck.. Carly.. Oh my god.." and then I felt him finish inside me. He relaxed against my chest as he regained his breath. I ran my fingers through his hair, savouring the moment. Neither of us spoke for at least ten minutes. He finally broke the comfortable silence.  
"Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I? Are you regretting it?" Worry laced his voice, like his mind had just been running in circles coming up with everything that could have gone wrong.  
"Do you always ask 21 questions immediately afterwards?" I joked. "No but seriously, I'm fine Dean, you didn't hurt me stop worrying. Of course I'm not regretting it."  
"Good. That's good.. I do love you, you know? I've never.. I haven't felt like that with anyone before. Ever. That was different. Good different."  
"I know. I know you do." I was still playing with his hair, distracted from the real world for now. Trying to enjoy every second of the time we had. It was dawn already, there were birds singing outside the window.  
"We should get some sleep, Sam is going to be pissed when we don't get up in time for the hike." Dean said.  
"Ah well, he'll have to wait won't he?"  
We settled down to sleep, Dean wrapping his arms round my waist from behind, pressing gentle kisses to my shoulder.  
"Goodnight Carly, I love you.. Never forget that."

\---------------------------------------

I woke after what must have been only a few hours sleep. I felt dreadful. The clock said 7am. Sam would probably be knocking on for us within the next hour. I silently got up and made my way to the bathroom. Had a quick shower, brushed my hair, got changed. I went back into the bedroom to see Dean sleeping peacefully, his arms still outstretched where I was lying not long ago. He was so gentle and kind. Far too good for the likes of me. I couldn't ruin him. I'd done enough damage already. I watched the calming rise and fall of his chest for five more minutes, risking getting caught with every second longer that I stayed but I just couldn't tear myself away from him. From now until the day I died, part of me was going to be left with this wonderful man. But that was the choice I had made. I wrote a note and left it on my pillow, grabbed my things as quietly as I could, and with that I snuck out of the room and headed for the airport. I couldn't stay here and break our hearts a minute longer.


	4. This Soul Doesn't Have A Home Anymore..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearly done with the flashback now, I hope the timeline of this hasn't seemed too all over the place so far! Let me know if anything is confusing or you think I've missed anything out, I'm using this story to learn and grow so hopefully it will get better as it goes along :)

I moved my flight to the next available one as soon as I was in the taxi. I didn't have much time and the longer I was stuck waiting around, the more chance they'd all have to find me. I spent the whole hour journey panicking about what if they caught up with me, then an hour sat in the airport on edge watching out for them. My phone wouldn't stop going off while I was waiting. Sam rang, a lot. Left some voicemails, probably raging at me. I wouldn't blame him. Dean tried calling too but gave up quicker and resorted to texting instead.  
"Where are you Carly? We're worried x"  
"Please let one of us know that you're safe"  
"Have you left me? I'm sorry, if I did something wrong please let me fix it. I'll do anything. Just give me a chance."  
"I love you Carly, please don't leave like this. Please."  
"We're coming to find you."  
The last one would have scared me, but it was 15 minutes until boarding. They didn't have time. I'd won. I breathed a sigh of relief.. Too early.  
"Carly, why would you leave Dean like that?" God damn Castiel and his stupid flying teleporting bullshit.  
"Cas, please, just leave me alone. Let me go. I have to go."  
"But why? He loves you, you say you love him, do you not?" Castiel looked confused. He was yet to learn the complexity of human emotions.  
"Of course I do. So much. That's exactly why I have to go."  
"You're not making any sense Carly, why would you have to leave if you both claim to love each other?" Cas tilted his head, trying to get some kind of understanding of the situation.  
"Because..." I sighed. A tear rolled down my cheek and I put my head in my hands. "Because I've just done the worst thing, Castiel. I just cheated on my fiancé, my future husband, with a man he knows and trusts. How can I be any good to Dean if I'm no good to the current partner who's patiently waiting for me at home suspecting absolutely no wrong doing? I'm a terrible person. Every single step I take in my life is a fuck up of some description. Every action becomes a regret further down the line. I've done nothing I'm proud of. I've got nothing to show for my life except a laundry list of mistakes, scars, and mental demons. I'm not good for him Cas.. He's better off without me. I'm going home." He looked sympathetic, I didn't even deserve that. I'd dug my own grave here.  
"I can't stop you. Just know I must tell him this because I am his friend. And know that if you do choose to leave now, you leave behind a broken man. I've never seen him like this, ever. And I don't think I can fix him. Only you can."  
"Time will fix him Cas. Time fixes everything.." Everything except me. My flight number was called and I stood ready to leave. "I hope you understand my decision one day. Please don't hate me. And please help Dean. Not for me, I don't deserve to feel any better about what I've put him through. But do it for him. He's going to need you."  
"I'll do my best Carly. Good luck with your plans, I hope you find happiness. Remember, I'm always with you if you need me." Cas said with a serious look. I might have to take him up on that prayer thing one day. I hugged him and smiled through the tears.  
"Thank you for everything Castiel. I'll see you again some day."  
I headed towards the gate just as my phone started ringing one last time. I answered, holding my breath.  
"CARLY. Carly please. Please don't go. I'm begging you. I heard it all, everything you said to Cas. I don't believe any of that bull. You're not a terrible person. You've made mistakes and fallen in love, that's all you're guilty of. I'm on the way to get you. Please wait for me? Please.." Dean sounded so broken. I choked back tears.  
"I'm sorry Dean.. I can't."  
"If you leave, there's no turning back. You know that, right?" He suddenly sounded stern. An ultimatum. That's what I was hoping for. No plan B, no changing my mind. Nowhere to turn.  
"I know. I hope you find someone who's worthy of you, Dean. I'm sorry... I love you." I whispered the last part as my voice cracked. I heard him shouting my name and begging me to stay as I hung up the phone and switched it off. Then I continued the walk to the gate with tears blurring my vision.

Dean's POV

I stopped the car at the side of the road. I punched the wheel, screamed, then just broke down. I'd lost her. The only girl I'd ever loved and I still couldn't keep her for more than a night. I swear I was cursed.  
Sam looked lost, he didn't know how to help me. In all our years he'd never had to deal with me heartbroken. Hell, I'D never had to deal with me heartbroken. What do I do? Chase her? I know where she'll be, she's going home. It wouldn't be difficult. But how can I show my face there? Just knock on the door, "Hi Nathan, you might remember me, I'm the one who fucked your wife-to-be! How is she by the way? I came to get her back." Yeah that would go down just great wouldn't it. But that was just the problem anyway. A meaningless fuck? No big deal, I'd have just let that go like all the rest. In fact I'd be glad of her leaving, it would mean I didn't have to awkwardly kick her out. But we didn't fuck. For once in my life, I made love to someone. I gave her everything. I didn't even know I was capable of such emotions. Now I'm going to remember that night for the rest of my life, and remember her as the one I let slip away. I just want to forget. Please just let me forget it all. Her face, her words, the way she held me, the look in her eyes...  
I need to drink until I can't feel anymore.

Sam's POV

Dean tried to pretend he was fine after that first day. He got leathered and took a girl back to the hotel, I'm not sure if he was trying to convince himself or us but it didn't work. I heard him kick her out the room about ten minutes after they got back then I heard him trash the place and break down. I didn't know whether I should go in and comfort him or just leave him to it. I chose the second option, he's not a big one for feelings. I think that's the problem with this whole situation. He doesn't know how to process it.  
Days turned into weeks. He did get better, he lightened up, threw himself into work, drank maybe a little more than usual but other than that, everything seemed to get relatively back to normal. But then the accident happened, those demons messed him up real bad. It seemed to be the final straw. Once he couldn't work he just lost it. Cut everyone off, snapped at the smallest of things. We were losing him, I could tell. I'd never seen him like this before. Broken, scared. When he finally started to get well enough to work again, I thought that was going to be it. He'd get back out in the field and he'd be Dean again. But then he did something even I couldn't have predicted. I came back from a job one day and he was gone. Cleared all his stuff out, left no note, no mention at all of where he was going. Cas kept me together for those first few weeks where I was freaking out that something had happened to him or he'd done something stupid. He said he was a grown man and he'd be fine, he just needed space. He'd come back when he was ready to. But this had never happened before, it was completely out of character, and I wasn't so sure he'd be back...

Dean's POV

I had to go. I couldn't take this anymore. The looks of pity. Sam trying to play matchmaker thinking that would help when really it was doing absolutely nothing except make me miss her more.  
So I packed my stuff and bailed. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. It would be easier this way. If they knew they'd only follow me and carry on trying to fix me, and I was too broken to be fixed right now. We'd always said that family was everything, that was all that we needed to get us through. But for once, family couldn't help.  
I got on the road and drove. Just drove. For days, stopping over in various towns and cities, seeing if I could get a feel for the place. But it was only when I got to LA that I thought I could see myself sticking about here. The chaos, the hustle and bustle, hopefully it would keep me distracted enough to sort my head out. I rented a place down town, found a job in a bar, and that became my life. No one here knew me as Dean Winchester, the hunter. I was just a dude who poured their drinks and went home to my apartment. A nice simple life. This would do, for now.


	5. How Do You Say Goodbye to the Best Part of Yourself..

*** Present day ***

Carly's POV

He hadn't changed the locks. Even after two years, he'd still left the door open to me. God, this was going to be tough. I turned my key and let myself in quietly. I was immediately greeted by the smell of my favourite candle, and a vase in the hallway of my favourite flowers for brightening up a room, a large bunch of sunflowers in full bloom. I sighed. He needed to let me go. This was killing him.  
Our pictures were all over the living room. The rest of the house didn't seem to have changed either. I felt like I'd walked into a time machine, everything was as I'd left it. As I paused looking at a photo of happier times, Cas put a hand on my shoulder.  
"He'll be okay. He can move on. If that's what you choose." He said.  
"Yes. I need to help him for once instead of thinking of myself." I couldn't stop myself from crying as I as I saw how happy we were when he proposed. I thought I was set for life. It's funny how things can change in an instant.  
I felt sick as I made my way upstairs. Did I want to speak to him? Did I just want Cas to get on with it and to get out of here? I didn't even know what to say if we did speak. It had been so long. I was beginning to freak out and wondering why I'd thought it was a good idea to even be here in the first place when the bedroom door opened. Out he walked, half asleep in his pyjamas with his hair all messy. I froze. He looked like he'd seen a ghost.  
"Carly.. are you.. is this real? I'm still asleep aren't I? This has got to be a dream.." He ran his hands through his hair, panicking.  
"It's real Nathan, calm down. I'm here." Before I knew what was happening his arms were around me and he was crying on my shoulder.  
"You're here. You're back. I knew you'd come back. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have shouted. I forgive you. I understand. Please stay with me. Please stay, I need you." I squeezed my eyes shut to try and stop the tears from coming. I wasn't allowed to hurt, this was my doing.  
"You were well within your right to shout. I ruined everything. I broke your heart. I ruined our marriage before it had even begun.. That's why I can't stay Nathan. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything I did. But I came back for closure. You need to move on.."  
"But.. but I can't. I don't know how. You promised me forever. You remember that? We were happy, we could be happy again!" He looked frantic, trying to say anything and everything to save us. But we were already dead in the water. We had been for a long time.  
"We can't.. Not for as long as I love someone else. You know that. You know why I left. I can't lie to you or myself anymore. I'm sorry.." I trailed off. All I was doing was hurting him more. His face dropped when I mentioned loving someone else, even though that's exactly what I'd said years ago.  
"So you still love him? And what has he done to show that he loves you? You mean nothing to him Carly, don't you see that? He'll never care about you the way I do!" He shouted now, I used to hate it when he shouted because it was so rare for him to lose his temper with me. But I deserved this.  
"I never gave him chance. I left both of you, because you both deserve better than me!"  
"I don't want better, I want you!" He sighed and lowered his voice. "Please, I can't stand it when we fight. Just.. come back tomorrow, we'll talk? We can sort this out, I know we can. We've been through bad times before. We can do it again. Just let me try?"  
"I'm sorry Nathan.. We've already tried. It's not going to help. I loved you, so much. And part of me always will. I'll remember that, even if you don't.." I took a couple of steps back and a shaky deep breath. He looked confused.  
"What do you mean? Why would I forget?"  
"Go on Cas.. We're done here.." I couldn't watch. I walked down the stairs hearing him plead with Castiel. "No, don't take her from me, please, I don't want to forget. I'm fine, I promise! Carly don't let him do this to me! I love you!" That was the last thing I heard before I walked out the door and saw a flash of bright light from the window. I took a breath of the cool night air, and looked around at the street I would never step foot on again. I felt my heart break for the past me who never wanted to leave this man behind, who wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But I felt the weight lift off the current me, who's heart was elsewhere. I'd done what I had to do to sever ties. I'd done the fairest and most selfless thing I could. That's what I'd have to keep telling myself.  
"It's done." Castiel said as he appeared at my side. "I thought I'd spend some time clearing the photographs out so as to not confuse him more. He'll be okay. His memory might be a bit fuzzy at first but over the next few days, your past together will fade out and feel nothing more than a dream."  
"Can we go Cas? I need to go home.." I trailed off. I finally knew where home was.  
"Let's go and see Dean." He said, there was a woosh of his wings and a blur of movement as he flew me to wherever my heart had been left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So she did it, she actually wiped Nathan's memory. Do you agree with this decision? I wasn't too sure myself and actually found it quite painful to write. Imagining actually being in that situation was horrible!
> 
> If you're still with me this far, thank you, you're wonderful and it means a lot to me :)


	6. Home is Where the Heart is..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (terrible) Smut warning! I'm trying my best haha I hope it's showing!

"LA? Wow, I didn't take him for the type to settle here." I was overwhelmed by the loud noises and bright city lights, this place really didn't ever sleep. It was 4am and still just as busy as I imagine it would be in the day time. "What's he been doing here then if not hunting?"  
"He works in a bar. Sometimes he sings there too. Then he goes home."  
"No friends? No.. girlfriend?"  
"Neither. In fact he hasn't been with anyone at all since you."  
"What? Dean Winchester, serial womaniser, hasn't been near women?"  
"No. He refuses to. They're not you."  
I was kind of lost for words with that one. I didn't realise he still cared so much after so long..  
"Do you want me to take you to his apartment or would you like to settle in first?" Cas asked.  
"At this time of night? Do you not think he'd be pissed if I turned up now?"  
"I have a feeling he's going to be annoyed whenever you turn up, you have been gone for 2 years. But no, I think he'll be happy to see you whenever you feel ready to."  
"No time like the present then I guess.. It's been long enough."  
The walk wasn't long but it felt like forever anyway. My head wouldn't stop going round in circles. What if he hated me? What if he shut the door in my face? Maybe I'd done the wrong thing coming here. I might just upset him even more when he seems to be moving on.. I noticed Cas had stopped walking. He looked up at a small apartment block.  
"Number 14, second floor. I'll leave you two to talk, call me if you need me." He said. I took a deep breath and nodded, my legs felt like they weren't going to carry me all the way there. I took the stairs instead of the elevator just to kill some more time, trying to think of what my first words should be, wondering if I should have written something down. I could see his door from here now. I felt my heart rate increase just knowing I was this close to him again. I took the last few steps, raised my shaky hand, and knocked on the door..   
"Hello Dean.."

He looked tired. I guess that was to be expected after waking him up in the middle of the night, but I mean exhausted. Troubled. Like he hadn't had a good nights sleep in a long time. But he still looked like my Dean. Chiselled features, slight stubble, beautiful eyes that I could get lost in.   
As soon as I saw those eyes again I knew I'd made the right decision. Home was wherever he was.  
He still hadn't said anything. He just stood there, shock written all over his face.  
"Can I come in?" I asked shyly, I couldn't work out if he wanted to shout at me or not and I'd rather not cause a scene in the corridor if that was going to be the case.  
He took a couple of steps back to let me past, then I heard the door close behind me.  
"I'm sorry for just turning up in the middle of the night, but Cas said he thought you'd want to see me so I.."  
I was interrupted by him spinning me round and putting his lips on mine. He wrapped both arms around my waist, holding me so tight I thought I could pass out. Once again he didn't need to say anything, because his kisses said it all. Shock, confusion, fear, excitement, happiness. Every emotion was being conveyed. Every moment we'd missed. Every time we should have kissed in the time we'd been apart. They were all rolled into right here and now, and I began to think he was never going to let me go again. Finally he pulled away, resting his forehead on mine, his hands on my cheeks.  
"You're.. you're here. You're back. This is real. Oh god, I've missed you so much." He started to cry and it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my gut. I did this. I left this poor man who'd done nothing but love me, open up to me and let me in. I'd hurt him more than I could ever have imagined.  
"I'm sorry Dean, I'm so sorry. I should never have left. I'll never forgive myself for what I've done to you." I whispered as I wiped his tears away.  
"Don't. Don't apologise. You're back now. That's all that matters. I forgive you." He said, his eyes had their sparkle back as he smiled at me. He leaned in again, slowly, almost cautiously this time. He kissed me gently, running his fingers down my arms then leaving them at my hips, my skin heating up everywhere that he touched me.   
"Please don't leave again. I don't think I could take losing you a second time." He whispered into my ear.  
"I'm not going anywhere, Dean. I promise."  
"I have to ask.. Because it's going to eat me up if I don't.." He said, his face serious. "Did you.. did you go back to him? Have you been with Nathan all this time? Did you marry him?" He looked terrified of the answer. This must have been what he'd thought the entire time we were apart, that I was off living the perfect life of wedded bliss.  
"No, I didn't. I went back and told him what had happened, yes. He said he could forgive me and wanted us to work things out.. but I left him that same day. I've been yours since that night we spent together. Only yours." I saw his features soften again and he let out the breath that I didn't realise he'd been holding. He didn't say anything, just took me by the hand and lead me to his room.  
He lay me down on the bed carefully, as if I could break at any given moment, then he lay down next to me on his side and propped himself up on his elbow. He just looked at me for a while, smiling, his fingertips dancing across my stomach. After a short while he broke the silence.  
"I've done nothing but dream about having you back and now that you're here I don't even know what to say."  
"You don't need to say anything," I moved so I was on top of him, leaning close to his face. "Just kiss me again."  
He put his hands in my hair and closed the gap between us. Gentle, innocent kisses at first, which soon became more heated. He only broke away to take my shirt off, then wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me back down, the warmth of our bare chests together lighting a fire within me. He flipped us over, his lips at my neck making my breath shaky as he took his boxers off, then my jeans and knickers followed shortly after. He rested his hands on my thighs whilst placing soft kisses all over my stomach. Then he looked up at me through dark eyelashes.  
"Do you want this?" He asked. "Because I don't want to scare you away again."  
"You didn't scare me away. I freaked out, you did nothing wrong. I want this. There's no place on earth I'd rather be than here with you right now." I said as I ran my fingers through his hair.  
He moved lower down, kissing my thighs, teasing me. I think I forgot how to breathe for a second when he finally put his mouth on me. My back arched and my eyes closed. I made a sound I don't think I've ever made before. Every nerve in my body felt like it was on fire in the best way possible. He held my hips down as my body jerked. I wasn't sure I could hold on much longer. Just when I was about to explode, he stopped.  
"God damn, Dean that is not fair."  
"Oh we're only just getting started. I've got to tease you at least a bit." He smirked and for a second I though that look on his face alone could set me off. But then he wiped the smirk off his own face as he pushed inside me, a moan escaping his lips.  
"Holy shit.." I breathed. "Oh god.. Dean.."  
"Look at me," He said, as he held my hips in place. I did as he asked. The look on his face was one of pure pleasure. His eyes darker than usual. A slight glimmer of sweat across his chest. He was perfection. "Don't look away. I want to see you."  
The eye contact just made everything more intense, more intimate. As he picked up the pace with his hips, I moaned his name, my back arching again as he found the perfect angle.  
"Oh god, Dean, I can't.. I'm so close.."  
"Good. Show me. I want to see you come undone."  
Never before have I managed to come from just sex. Never. But there's a first time for everything apparently. His words tipped me over the edge and I grabbed at the bed sheets as I almost screamed his name, my body jerking beyond my control. He kept my hips pinned down as I rode it out, moaning and trying to remember how to breathe. As I came back down to earth, I stared at him through glazed eyes. I'd never seen a more beautiful sight. He picked up the pace even more. I wasn't sure I could handle this pleasure much longer, my entire body felt too sensitive and I'd stopped being able to form sentences a long time ago.  
He leant down, putting his weight on me, holding himself up with one hand and lacing the other through my hair.  
"You're so gorgeous when you come," He said breathlessly. "I can't believe I'm the one who gets to see this."  
I swear this man was going to kill me with just his words. The only reply I could muster was a moan. His grip on my hair tightened, making my head go back which gave him easy access to my neck. He kissed me, biting gently, drawing another moan from me.  
"I'm so close.." He whispered in my ear, I could hear it in his voice. He somehow managed to go faster still, causing me to cry out. "Come with me, I need to feel you again."  
That was all it took. It was like my body responded to his commands. Time seemed to stop as I felt him finish inside me. He moaned my name into my ear as we came together, holding me close for the final thrusts until I stopped shaking.  
He stayed there, lying on my chest, still inside me as we caught our breath.  
"You should be illegal." I said after gaining the use of my voice back. He chuckled, a happy sound that filled the room.  
"I could say the same about you, you're certainly addictive." He replied. As he lifted himself up, he paused to kiss me, then got off me and wandered into the bathroom. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the view as I watched him go.  
I smiled as he walked back into the room, switching the lights off and crawling under the covers with me. I curled up to his side as he lay on his back and I drew patterns on his chest with my fingertips.  
"So, Mr Winchester.." I began. "Are we.. official now?"  
"We've been official in my head for 2 years," He replied instantly. "I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I've been off the market since that night. What about you, do you want to be official?"  
"I can't think of anything I want more.." I smiled. "Except sleep, sleep would be great." He laughed.  
"Let's get some then. Goodnight, girlfriend." I giggled as he kissed the top of my head.  
"Night Dean.. I love you."  
"I love you too, more than I can ever say."  
That night I slept in his arms, content for the first time in what felt like forever. I was home.


	7. Distract my Aching Brain..

I woke earlier than Dean the next morning, looks like someone needs his beauty sleep more than I do. I lay there for a while, studying his features. He looked so peaceful, a slight smile grazed his lips as I placed a gentle kiss to his forehead.  
I decided to get up and use the bathroom first, so I'd be out of his way when he finally got up. I didn't have a clue where anything was so I just stole one of his tshirts to wear and used his shower gel. It was actually really comforting to smell like him. Oh god I was beginning to sound like a teenage girl. Just as I'd got out of the shower and started to dry off, I heard him talking to himself in the next room. I couldn't work words out at first and wasn't sure if he was actually talking to me. It was only as I opened the door I understood what he was saying.  
"Oh god not again, please no, don't leave me! Fuck! No no no.." I ran into the room still in a towel.  
"Dean! Dean it's okay. I'm here. Shhh.." I held him to my chest as he sobbed.  
"Carly? I thought you'd left.. I thought I'd dreamt everything. Oh god I'm sorry I look like an idiot. I'm sorry I doubted you. I'm sorry." He looked so broken. Is this how he'd been while I was gone? I sure hoped not because it was breaking me too just imagining it.  
"Hey hey hey, stop apologising! It's okay. Everything's going to be okay. I promised, didn't I? I'm not leaving."  
I sat there with him for a long while, just holding him, occasionally whispering that everything would be fine, until his sobs quietened.  
"God, you must think I'm stupid." He finally said, his voice hoarse from the tears.  
"I don't think you're stupid at all, I think I am for ever leaving you in the first place."  
"You're not.. I don't blame you for leaving. I'm hardly the poster boy for a perfect partner. I mean, what did I really have to offer you? No stable home, no real money that wasn't from dodgy credit cards, a shitty reputation with women. I didn't really look appealing on paper. For a while I genuinely thought you'd gone back and gotten married, probably forgotten all about me, and I didn't resent you for a second. I know I would have done that if I was you." He said, his voice barely above a whisper for the most part.  
"You're looking at this all wrong.. it's not about how much money you can offer me or the house that you own. Do you want to know why I came back? Why I missed you every second of every day I was away from you?" He finally looked me straight in the eyes for the first time in this conversation. "It's because I'd never been loved like this before. So passionately, whole heartedly loved. When you first told me how you felt, I didn't believe it. Then I thought maybe that was just your tactics for getting women into bed. Then I realised you meant it and all the little things from the past started adding up. How you were always like my shadow on hunts, forever keeping me safe. That night in the bar where you sparked that dickhead out. The way you looked at me when you thought I wasn't looking. You meant it, you'd never meant anything more in your life, and that terrified the shit out of me. I was so scared of everything. Loving you. Losing you. One of us getting hurt, be it heartache or on the job. Everything scared me. So after that night, when I realised it was concrete and there was no going back to how we used to be, I reacted the only way I knew how. I bolted. Because I didn't know what else to do. I'm not good at being vulnerable, I'm not good at feelings in general. I didn't want to hurt you, and in my own messed up state of mind I convinced myself that it wouldn't hurt you if I left. That I was doing you a favour. But I wasn't, and I'm so sorry for the pain that I caused. I never want to see you hurt like that again for as long as I live, so from now on I'm going to be completely honest with you. We're going to try this and we'll make it work and I'll actually talk to you if things are getting too much instead of just doing a runner in the middle of the night... I left because I said I needed to think, I had to work everything out. I spent two years working it out and the only conclusion I had was.. you. It's always been you, Dean. I just needed to see it, and I do now. I love you, so much, and I'm going to do my best never to lose you again."  
I'm not sure at which point I started crying, but it was only when I stopped talking that I realised I'd been looking at the floor as I spoke with tears streaming down my face. The silence was deafening and for a minute I thought I'd said too much, ruined everything. This is what happens when you let people in, show them new sides of yourself. They see that you're not what they wanted after all.  
"Look at me.." He said quietly. I couldn't bring myself to do it. All of a sudden I felt embarrassed, shy, and I just wanted the ground to swallow me. I felt his soft hands against my face as he turned me to look at him. Then I saw the smile that was reaching his eyes and making them sparkle like a million stars. He gave me one careful, delicate kiss.  
"Thank you. For letting me in. I have no reason to doubt you for a second. We're in this for the long haul." He grinned as he rested his head on mine. "Now let's stop being soppy, we're wasting a lovely day outside! Let me show you around town."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is everything I have written so far! I'm hoping to update regularly but I have a bit of a block at the moment, so if anyone has any ideas as to where they see this story heading, I'd appreciate the input! A different pair of eyes can help me see things I'd been missing.  
> Any general feedback is always welcome too! I'm not gonna lie, uploading all of this was pretty terrifying. I've read some wonderful works over the years that I don't think I could ever compete with. So I hope someone out there can find enjoyment in my ramblings :)  
> Until next time! x


	8. Time To Head Home..

Dean was being far too enthusiastic about his surroundings. Talking animatedly as he showed me various bars and recommended great restaurants for us to try. I'm not sure if he was trying to convince me or himself, but this place definitely wasn't for him. Sure, it's great for a holiday, tourism, city lights, things to see and do everywhere. I could kind of understand why he'd settled here when he had nothing else though, the chaos doesn't give you chance to think.  
"So, you spoke to Sam lately?" I asked. I knew he hadn't, Cas had said. I just wanted to gauge his reaction.  
"Oh er, yeah. Not too long ago." Dean stumbled over his words.  
"What's he think of your new living arrangements?" I pushed him a bit further.  
"He thinks I'm nuts, but he's happy for me." He smiled.  
"No that's what you think he would think, you know, if you'd actually spoken to him. I'm not sure he would be happy though. He's going to flip, I'd say. Also, lying to me isn't a great start to a relationship." I said coldly. Dean looked like a deer in headlights.  
"Wha.. I-I just.." He stuttered. I sighed and turned back towards the apartment.  
"Carly! Carly please, I'm sorry. I.." I turned round, arms folded across my chest. "I didn't want him to know."  
"Know what?" I asked.  
"That I'm weak!" He raised his voice and I jumped slightly. "That I couldn't help him, because I couldn't help myself.. I needed to get away, and he wouldn't have let me. Because you know Sammy, he thinks he can fix everything. But when you left... No one could fix me Carly. They tried, believe me. But I didn't want him to come looking for me, so I picked the place that he would have least expected me to settle down in."  
"But surely if you love it here so much, your own brother would have known that?" I asked, confused.  
"I fuckin' hate it here." He laughed and his eyes sparkled. "The noise, it never shuts up! And the people, oh god they're awful. So rude! I was just saying all that stuff before because I thought you liked it here."  
I chuckled and softly punched him in the arm. He was an idiot sometimes.  
"You're so dumb, I hate it too. We're not staying here. Come on Dean, let's just go back to the apartment. We'll start packing, we'll ring Sam, we can be back home tomorrow!"  
"Woah woah woah, you think he's gonna want me back just like that? He'll probably knock seven shades of shit out of me as soon as I walk through the door!" Dean said.  
"Yeah, and you'll deserve it." He raised his eyebrows at me, shock painted on his face. "But then he'll hug you and everything will be fine and the dream team will be back together again. You can't hide forever, Dean." He sighed. He knew I was right.  
"Okay alright come on then. Let's go back and get this over with.." He took my hand as we started walking to the apartment. ".. But you're calling Sammy though."  
"WHAT?! It's not my job to call him! You walked out!"  
"Because you left!"  
"... touché. Alright I'll call him. Only because you're a moron." I smirked.  
"Love you."  
"I love you too."

\-----------------------

I took Dean's phone and scrolled down to Sam's contact. I was nervous as hell. He was probably going to kill me too. What did I even say? How do you start a conversation like this? Oh whatever, I'll make it up as I go along.  
The dial tone seemed to go on forever, until finally..  
"Dean?"  
"Cas?" I asked, slightly confused by his voice.  
"Cas how many times have I told you to stop answering my phone!" I heard Sam shout in the background. "..Wait did you just say Dean? Gimme that! Dean? Is that you?"  
"Hi Sam.."  
"..Carly? Wha-What the hell is going on?! Is it Dean? Is he hurt?"  
"Sam please calm down, everything is okay I promise."  
"How long have you been back?"  
"Just a day, that's all. Getting Dean to speak to you again was the top of my list of priorities but he made me ring because he's being a WIMP." Dean scowled at me. "He thinks you're going to kill him."  
"Damn right I am!" Sam shouted. "I never stopped looking for him. It's been-" Sam sighed and lowered his voice. "It's been hell. I thought he was dead."  
"No one is dead Sam. It's okay. Look, can we come back? I think we all need to talk. Not shout, no punches please. Just talk."  
"Of course, but I can't promise I won't punch him." I laughed at that one.  
"I didn't expect you to, I just thought it was worth asking." I smiled. "We'll be home soon Sam. I've missed you."  
"You too Carly, it's good to hear from you. Take care on the way over here. Tell Dean not to drive like a mad man. He loses concentration when he's nervous."  
"I'll be sure to tell him that. See you soon Sam."  
I hung up.

"Tell me what?"  
"You drive like a lunatic apparently." Dean scoffed.  
"Just because Sammy doesn't know how to handle my Baby. He drives her like an old man."  
"Ah it's gonna be fun having you two back together.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the brothers are going to be reunited in the next chapter! I couldn't leave them apart for too long. I hope you're all enjoying this so far. I had a sudden idea crop up last night that snowballed into a massive plan for this whole story so hopefully I should be updating regularly enough now I know where I'm going with it! The only thing I'm unsure of now is the ending, but that's miles off anyway ;)  
> Please let me know still if you have any ideas or constructive criticism! One question: are the chapters too short? I'm not sure if I should upload little and often or longer chapters further apart! Let me know what you would prefer :)  
> Until next time  
> xo


End file.
